You know when you know. The decision is clear. But next year would be a better time. Up until just two days ago, I had a plan. It was a sound plan and it allowed me a little more time to embrace the truth, I must let go.
It was the middle of night, I heard a thought “Get out of the house now.” It was so clear, I wondered if I was just making it up, half sleeping, half awake. Then I heard it again, “Get out of the house now.” I said out loud “God, is that you?” I dozed back into sleep, and awoke again to “Get out of the house now.” Okay, now I’m a little bit freaking out – do I literally need to get out of the house NOW, is the house going to blow up?
Fear is a powerful force, isn’t it? Fear can either make you fight like a fierce ninja or run like crazy. I’m a run as far away and hide kinda gal. If something scary is happening to me I want to find my safe place and curl up in a little ball. The big bad hairy beast of a fear that has me stuck in this place: letting go.
I am afraid to let go of all my hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in this home. Let go of these walls that have seen my children born and raised. Let go of the memories, good and bad, that still haunt my footsteps. As I walk around each corner, I’ll catch a glimpse of a memory. I’m always caught off guard, but I know it’s there. My bedroom is the capsule that holds the most. Every fight, every tear, every mistake I made, every failure, and every major decision – including “I think it’s time I move out” has happened in that bedroom. Not much a person wants to hold dear, and even haunts me at night. But, the fear of leaving it has me paralyzed.
It’s as if, if I leave it behind there’s no repairing it. The opportunity to fix the mistakes I’ve made are over. Now, I’m a smart woman. In my head I know that’s not true, but my heart is still holding on and desperately wants to make it right. Somehow, keeping the house – the place where it all fell apart, is the same place it could all be put back together again. My broken heart, my worst mistakes, my failures would all be restored.
“Perfect love casts out all fear” 1 John 4:18. God’s love is perfect. It cannot grow or diminish. What could I accomplish if I knew God’s love would never diminish regardless of the mistakes I’ve made? What if God’s perfect love covers all my sins, failures, mistakes and even heals the heartbreak? What if I knew that it wasn’t in the walls of this house that recovery needs to take place, but in God’s perfect provision? What if… I just let go.