When You Just “Can’t Even” With All. The. Things For Enneagram Type 9’s

Lori Young  00:01

Welcome, everyone to the most authentic corner of the internet, where we  where we acknowledge our messy insides and even sometimes are messy outsides where we stand tall to our insecurities and grow in our authenticity, to drop that pesky little need for approval. So we are so happy that you’re joining us today. I have a very special guest, one of my favorite guests. Actually, I feel like we do a lot of these, my friend Bethany Howard, She is the author. Can you believe we could say that about you? No, no. Permission granted, yay, Authenticity! So this book is called permission granted, embrace who you are, cultivate courage and impact your world. This book is fantastic. So I want to tell you a little bit more about my good friend, Bethany Howard. She has a passion for words. And she is so good at words. She used to be fearful of learning. But in recent years, she’s run towards it. As she has learned more about God and the world he’s created. She has also learned more about who she’s created to be Bethany’s discovered that she is more than the roles she fills. She has passion, purpose, and possibilities. I completely agree with that. It’s been a journey for her and it’s one that she wants to walk with you to join her at Bethany Howard.com, we’re going to drop a link and a little bit. And be sure to free snacks and drink. Bethany, this book fills me with all the joy I mean, for real. So welcome, Bethany. Thank you Here, you put a book baby in the world.

Bethany Howard  02:11

And I still am like, amazed, like, I still don’t know exactly how that all transpired. But it did.

02:16

Yeah. So tell me, how was your week then going? Oh, type nine on the Enneagram? Yes. Me that. That must be said, because that’s what we’re talking about today. So, so how, how has this week been for you? My friend?

Bethany Howard  02:33

Um, you know, it’s been a lot of quicksand.

Lori Young  02:38

Ooh,

Bethany Howard  02:39

yes.

02:40

Tell us more about that.

Bethany Howard  02:42

Like, you know, I there’s things that I should do. There’s things on the list of things to do, but I just can’t seem to like, make progress. I just can’t seem to, like, move forward. It’s like it’s painful. Like, I just keep putting things off. And I don’t know, why is it

03:04

So, tell me more about  that feeling of  quicksand. And , what what’s going on in your head when you’re like mucking around in the quicksand. Like, what does a day look like in quicksand world for Bethany?

Bethany Howard  03:20

Lots and lots of scrolling?

Lori Young  03:22

Oh, gosh,

03:25

lots and lots of scrolling. Lots of, you know, piddling around. And Hi, Kim. Hi, Jen. And lots of I’m putting it off until tomorrow. Lots of it’s not really that important. You know, it’s just my job. But um, yeah, lots of just job shmob. Yeah. You know, just, I just move like, slowly, very slow, with out a lot of motivation. I mean, I guess that’s the difference. Like, if you’re really stuck in quicksand, like you want to get out of it, like in real life, you would want to get out of it. Yeah.

04:10

There’s like, an action to it. Like, Okay, I gotta sit down and work, right. So, I feel like normal people. Yeah.

Bethany Howard  04:19

Yeah. But when in this quicksand, it’s kind of like, I mean, I guess kind of like a kind of like a piggy.

04:32

Like, I’m hang out here

Bethany Howard  04:34

just gonna wallow. I’m just gonna make

Lori Young  04:37

the Oreos and the remote control.

04:41

Yeah, just kind of like, Oh, I’m just gonna be what is happening here. I’m just gonna be like, you know, content to just be here. And wallow. And it really is wallowing because I feel I know that there’s things that I should be doing. I know that there’s things that I’m are important to me and that need completed and that need done. But I don’t do them and so that I’m wallowing in this tension in this grossness of needing to do things but not doing them.

Lori Young  05:14

Yes. Same. absolutely the same. And here’s the thing. At the end of the day, I know there’s things I needed to have done or should do. But I, I haven’t done them. And I feel enormously guilty. Which kind of brings me down a notch. Next day with this, like, it’s almost like a hangover, because now I’m not sleeping, because now I have this like, Who do you think you are to run a business? You haven’t done anything this week? You haven’t accomplished it. You haven’t served anyone? Which is how we got on this conversation. Yeah, earlier today, because we’re both like wallowing around, like little piggies and the same, and the same quicksand. And what we kind of chatted about was, this is a typical nine thing. And I don’t like it,

Bethany Howard  06:15

Bethany. No, mean, me neither. No, I’m not a big fan of it. At all. It’s very, it’s a very frustrating trait. I think. I mean, I think probably every number feels like really happy that they’re that number for the most part. Um, but and I do feel that way about being a nine. But there are definitely some things that I wish that I could trade in.

Lori Young  06:40

So when you’re like in that space, what what do you do? Like, how do you finally like, roll yourself out of the pit, put the cookies down. And like, get get your groove on again.

Bethany Howard  07:00

As a lot of times, it’s sometimes it’s reaching out to other people. And sometimes I feel like, I’m like, I feel like, you know, I tell myself that everybody else is doing this on their own and is fine with that. And that they don’t need other people. But sometimes I, I need somebody to help me like, get out of the mud, get out of the quicksand. And like, actually get to work. Sometimes I need a buddy.

Lori Young  07:35

Well, I think that’s exactly how we even stumbled on this conversation. Because you and I Marco Polo each other a lot. And honest to goodness, I don’t know if I’ve ever met you face to face.

Bethany Howard  07:51

I got real excited. They’re

Lori Young  07:52

very good.

Bethany Howard  07:54

At leverage. So not last year, not in 2020. It must have been in 2019. We were there at the same time. But we didn’t like talk a lot at that point. We were in separate groups. So we didn’t have a lot of opportunity to connect then. Okay,

08:11

so really where we connected was Kathy Lipp’s kickstart Academy. Mm hmm.  Yes, yes, that was like two years ago. So the point is, you and I have been journeying on this, like doing our business ministry thing together. For the last two years. Obviously, you’ve seen how far I’ve come. I’ve watched how far you’ve come. So you are like my natural go to when I cannot and here’s the thing, I don’t even care. Like when I’m in that space, I don’t care that I’m on the couch, like this is horrible confession time. But in the middle of the day playing Candy Crush, like I don’t care. I feel like nothing. There’s nothing that needs to be done. There’s no sense of urgency. And pretty soon like, it just gets to be too much. I do a little Marco Polo with Bethany. And I’m like girl, I Something is wrong. Like I feel blue like down

Bethany Howard  09:17

is

09:18

I have nothing. Nothing in my life to feel down about. I have a fabulous fella. He is my biggest cheerleader. I have two amazing boys. I have this career that I love. I love this career. I love what I’m doing. I have lots of opportunities, things are really happening. But something just kind of comes over me.

Bethany Howard  09:44

Yeah.

09:45

I feel that that’s my number one tip is if you’re nine and you are and you are kind of in this like mucky place, we’re gonna call it the “piggy in the quicksand” call a friends and it really helps To call your friend who’s also a lot like you like another nine, gets it if you call a type seven or a type eight, I’m sure they’re, they’re not going to commiserate. And I there’s something about being able to commiserate without judgment. I don’t, I don’t mean to be stereotypical. But ya know, type 8, friends, I go to them when I need like big vision stuff when we’re like, how are you through like a big idea and your snowplow? Your husband is a type eight, right? So he’s like, you’re gonna get this book written and you hop on the back of the snowplow, and you like, boom, get it done, but they may not understand why we’re like, stuck. So yeah, calling, calling or getting in touch with my other type, my friend who totally gets it, who, by the way, is doing badassary stuff.

Bethany Howard  10:55

It’s awesome.

Lori Young  10:56

And I love it. And I know that it’s okay to have weeks like this, because I know you’re doing badassery stuff. But Bethany, Howard putting books out promoting, oh, you’re having bad weeks, too?

Bethany Howard  11:09

So we’re sure. Let’s just call it normal. Ah, yes, I like that. It is it is normal to have up and down kind of weeks. And a lot of times I do notice that when I feel like I’m like hanging on by a thread that there’s some sort of validation of some sort or another that comes through, whether it’s a message from somebody, you know, a comment on a post that I’ve done, like, it can be something very, very small. And sometimes it’s just enough to get me like to like, flip over the switch to get me like, going again, sometimes it’s just enough.

Lori Young  11:55

So sometimes it’s just putting it out there. Right? Yeah, kind of getting over the hump and just picking one important task that needs to be done today. Yeah, that definitely helps me too. Sometimes I get stuck. Because my brain goes blank, and I don’t know what to do next. I know what to do next, but I really don’t know what to do. So it’s you and I have decided we’re going to have like a powwow session. Yeah, were were both like really good at brainstorming for each other. And we’re gonna powwow about putting our social media content calendar together. Yes. And having another like set of eyes another like person to talk to you about it is super, super super.

Bethany Howard  12:47

Yeah, I’m super excited. I love co working. I love brainstorming together. And there’s something that’s, you know, I don’t it inspires me, it motivates me. And especially in this time where I’m not you know, we’re not leaving the house I’m not working elsewhere. I’m This is it. My desk is the place where I’m at. And somebody I don’t remember who it was that told me about coffee. tivity. And it’s, this is this is coffee tivity.com. I’m pretty sure I can get you that link later on that you can add here. But it’s basically you can choose like it’s a coffee shop at lunch or the morning hustle. And it’s just like banter. You kind of hear it in the background. You hear sounds of the coffee shop. It’s awesome. It’s really, really great. So you know, it’s like background noise

Lori Young  13:39

and you sit on like this like feeling like you’re in this like really productive environment.

Bethany Howard  13:44

Yes. Yes. It’s so great. So that’s, that’s brilliant. Yeah. Yeah, I forget. I wish I could tell you who told me about it. And it’s totally slipped my mind but it’s been. It might have been Jenny, my trip. It might have been her. Okay. Well, Jenny why

Lori Young  14:00

Trump is she’s fantastic.

Bethany Howard  14:02

Yeah, she’s pretty brilliant.

14:03

Yeah, so no Jenny white trip. She’s also an author. She writes nonfiction not she writes fiction and fiction. Mm hmm. Yeah, she’s amazing her up she is awesome. I’ll drop a link to her. Yes, Miss to. Okay, so along those lines. Another idea that I really appreciate is like work together sessions. So we kind of women dove into that early this morning, even though when we both suggested it because it’s kind of part of our culture. You know, when you work in ministry by yourself, work together sessions are kind of the norm for I guess it’s I guess it’s our who we roll with, right with Kathi and her crew.

Lori Young  14:47

Anyway, so you know, you suggested it last night, and I was like,

Bethany Howard  14:54

Oh, you’re pretty non committal.

Lori Young  14:57

Fine. I

14:58

guess if I get up, I’ll send you link. But I have to tell you, okay, so this is what it worked to work together session looks like Bethany and might live in different states, you can even do this with people who live right next door, you get on a zoom call, you check in for five minutes. You radically give or take back for a while. You check in for five minutes, this is what I’m going to do. And then you check back in again in an hour. And it is amazing how much work I get done knowing that there’s someone on the other end of the zoom. I’m doing work with me and I tell you, I got a bunch done. Jenn Bryant, if you’re listening, I haven’t posted our Facebook Live that we did. A couple weeks ago, I posted I posted it to YouTube today and figured out how to put a pretty graphic with it instead of people going, you know, on YouTube. So I was brilliant. I got all of that.

Bethany Howard  15:59

That’s fantastic.

Lori Young  16:00

Yeah, the accountability for me is huge.

Bethany Howard  16:05

And five ish minutes. Yeah, Kim says five ish. Mm hmm.

Lori Young  16:09

We were like an hour and a half ish.

16:13

in our defense. It had been a long time since we’d really caught up in our defense.

Lori Young  16:18

That’s true. And we were Where are we not brainstorming just a little bit?

Bethany Howard  16:22

Yeah, we totally I mean, we got we knock some stuff out? Yeah, like in that. I mean, this Facebook Live completely came out of that conversation for one. And but yeah, and I thought of something else is a little bit ago, as I was contemplating this conversation and this thought, and I was thinking about, like, like, basically what I’m telling myself when I can’t get it going, like when I when I know that I have stuff to do, and I can’t move forward when I’m stuck. And I went and I was thinking about, like other enneagram numbers and like kind of comparing contrasting a little bit. And I think that one of the lies that I tell myself. This is feeling a little vulnerable. One of the lies that I tell myself is that my work is not important. If I thought Laurie that my work was important, I would sit down and I would work,

Lori Young  17:25

girl. You’ve absolutely nailed it. That’s 100%. Like, that’s exactly how I was feeling. Who cares? Yeah, my work is not important. And you know what? That’s like another classic type nine thing we really do struggle with? Does my presence even matter? Does my voice matter? Just what I have to say matter?

17:51

Yeah, yeah. And like, you know a type 2, they’re if they’re being if they’re being helpful, like, there’s no question in their mind, you know, about what they’re doing, whether it’s important or not, they know, okay, I’m helping, I’m doing something that’s good. This is good. This is good and matters, pressing on. Like, I just feel like if I could, I mean, even that is going to take some work, right? To be able to, like, harness that. And remember, okay, but no, but this is important. Scrolling on Facebook is not important, Bethany. It’s not no matter how I tried to swing it, you know, it’s not, it’s just, there’s no good that can come out of that for me in my list of things that I need to do. But if my work is as important as anybody else’s job, or, you know, as important as, you know, making the dinner or whatever is on my list of things to do, if I can work out of this belief at what I do has worth and value then I think I can show up for myself.

Bethany Howard  18:57

I think

Lori Young  19:01

Yeah, so how do we get there? Like, is it is it again, like, I mean, we have this whole crew of people who are who are like chiming in and I love that meeting and these are our like our best. These are our best cheerleaders Jen Bryant and Kim Now listen, and you know, Bethany Howard, I can think of like five other people right off the top of my head are so so good at letting us know and sometimes you know what this job is very isolating. It is anyway because we’re all in our house. We all work from home we might have kids that are like struggling with homeschool stuff. And so that like can knock us off our game because that that ruins any like confidence we have about who we are being a mom sometimes. Oh, yeah. Like I feel like a major fail all the time but then you get into fitness and You were telling me today it’s low. Going. So slow going. I know I’ve heard this before Amy, Carol has told me this, Sherry Gregory, Kathy lip, they have been in this business for such a long time, whatever business you’re in, if you’re a speaker or writer if you, you know, if you work, like if you’re a manager of a store, if you’re in the finance, business, whatever you do, it’s slow going. You have to be persistent and consistent. Yeah. And I forget that, like, I want instant gratification. Now, like, I’ve worked so hard for a week, it’s like a diet like, I ate so well today, why have I not lost weight? With our work? It is. So here’s, here’s the other thing that I’m learning to embrace, is loving the process. The just daily service of my audience, like everybody else is in service to people. That’s why I chose to do this every Facebook Live that, you know, I’m like, feeling man about and want to skip like, it’s in service to my audience. And it it’s the love of things. Yes, that we get to embrace.

Bethany Howard  21:33

Yes, right. It’s so good. And I think that when, you know, when that’s lagging like when the desire to show up to serve our people. And I think sometimes, you know, we can show up for ourselves. And sometimes, I guess that’s what the whole, like, believing that my work matters thing. It goes right along with that. But it is important to show up for ourselves. We talked about that. Like, is it? Do I have? Is it scarier? Is there more regret? like staying stuck? Like, is it worse to stay stuck? Or is it is it scarier to step out and do what I’m meant to do? Like which which feels less worse? I guess, sometimes. Because it’s scary. And sometimes it’s putting yourself out there scary. And Jen proved me wrong here. She said that as a two she looks for cues of success from others, instead of believing that starting will garner more success. We all need outside affirmation, apparently.

Lori Young  22:35

Well, that’s why we’re here. Right? Yeah. Authenticity over approval.

Bethany Howard  22:38

Yes,

22:39

this is our jam. Right? We Yes, we are a group of people who, as much as we know, that we shouldn’t we still thrive on outside, you know, external resources or external affirmation. And when we’re doing like, the daily grind of, you know, building, building our business, serving our audience, or writing and creating content, as Kathy would call the, the top three things of building, you know, building your ministry. It does feel like a grind and it because it’s so slow going. It’s easy to get stuck in the minutiae and then fall down in the quicksand and, and wrestle around because we’re not getting the affirmation, because we’re showing up and we’re serving, and we’re doing the things but it’s slow, and that is de motivating for me. I’m not gonna lie. Yeah, I have to be honest about that. I, I think what, what Jen Bryant says is exactly right. Like, we have to acknowledge it. And we have to be honest with ourselves that that’s a thing. Yeah, motivator, and so however, we go to get that, which is to go to our cheering section. That’s, I think that’s a valid way.

24:09

Oh, for sure. I think. And I think another lie that I tell myself is that other people aren’t doing like that slow, growth process stuff. Like they just start getting skipped that or something. And that’s

Lori Young  24:24

this overnight success. Yeah. Like, they’re

Bethany Howard  24:26

just having fun all the time. You know, like, it’s just like confetti. And I’m sitting here like, Oh, I can’t

24:34

do this. Um, but yeah, that’s another thing that, you know, I imagine everybody else having more fun than me.

Lori Young  24:40

Yeah. I imagined that she was sitting in their house like, like doing cartwheels because they got a like, on a post it.

Bethany Howard  24:52

I love it. Oh my gosh, yeah. It’s also true.

Lori Young  24:55

Yeah.

Bethany Howard  24:56

I mean, it’s either laugh or cry. Right.

Lori Young  24:59

Well,

25:00

I’m pretty sure I’ve done a lot of both. I’m super grateful for friends. And I’m really grateful for my fella who is like, “you don’t know how fantastic you are right”? All my friends. Like all of you, everyone watching you Bethany like we’re also fantastic. We don’t even know. Yeah, and we we really do sell ourselves short. So I have a very practical tool. Give it to me. Okay, well, it’s gonna it’s gonna pinch a little Oh,

Bethany Howard  25:35

okay.

Lori Young  25:37

But it’s gonna be good. I

25:38

promise. Okay, I’m ready.

25:40

I just got “The Enneagram Development Guide.” Okay, this is for for people in business. It’s by Ginger Lapid-Bogda, and I will drop a link in the comments. Okay, but there’s there are this is pinchy I’m okay. I read this. And I, I was like, I don’t like what you’re saying to me right now.

Bethany Howard  26:01

Ginger, commande.

26:03

Ginger, like help a sister out. Okay, so. So the thing about nines is that we have a hard time committing to tasks and getting stuff done. So the basic activity to set priorities and to keep them. Okay, so commit to completing two tasks or chores. Each day, make sure you complete each task without any interruptions. Two tasks, right, we could complete two tasks.

Bethany Howard  26:40

Yeah, I think so.

26:41

Because we kind of have a hard time with that. So nines, often, okay, this is the pinchy part. nines often have difficulty setting priorities and sticking with them. This leads to procrastination as the nine begins one task than another and then both get put aside for an activity. Such as this is painful ya’ll. It’s not a three thing. I would say there’s a human thing anyway. Okay, such as cleaning the desk, or organizing the files. GEEZE. First, you have to be really honest about your tendency to shift priorities and put things off, you need to notice how and when you do this, then assess the consequences of this behavior.

Lori Young  27:35

Oh,

Bethany Howard  27:36

yeah, that feels yucky. That does kind of feel yucky.

27:42

Nobody likes the word consequences. Now. I mean, don’t be so mean, their self assessment should answer two questions. First, is this? How do I really benefit from not setting or sticking with my priorities? Be aware that an answer of I don’t benefit in any way is not helpful. Is that going through your mind? is going through my mind? Because there must be some benefit or the behavior would not be recurring.

Bethany Howard  28:14

Come on. Ah.

Lori Young  28:18

Okay, after you’ve answered that question, honestly, there’s more. Um, hold on after? See, after you answer that question. Honestly, ask yourself the second question, what do I lose by not setting or sticking with my priorities? If the cost of not setting and keeping priorities outweigh the benefits of doing so then you are ready to change.

Bethany Howard  28:44

Say that last part again, please, if

Lori Young  28:47

the costs of not setting and keeping priorities outweigh the benefits of doing so, then you’re ready to change. So, if it’s not painful enough to keep putting off our tasks, and like getting up and doing the dishes, instead of sitting down and like writing content, then we’ll never like feel the sting of needing to change. Okay, but we have we were talking about this though, right?

Bethany Howard  29:19

Yeah.

Lori Young  29:20

It is painful. That guilt does build up. It seems to build up a little slower. But it does build up there does come a moment like a snapping point for me and I hit it this morning, Thursday morning. Yeah. When I was like, I can’t. It is physically painful to not get stuff done when I know I need to get stuff done.

Bethany Howard  29:44

And it is and I yeah, and I’m totally beating myself up which is exhausting. And then I have to recover from that. And I you know, when I think about wallowing in quicksand like it takes a lot of efforts. To get out a quick sense, like, yeah, there’s a Yeah. And there’s consequences to that for sure. Because it exhausts you in every way emotionally, physically, spiritually, like in every way. You’re like, you’re done. You’re kind of tapped out.

Lori Young  30:14

Yeah, for sure. So we have a couple people chiming in my friend Blanca, or does she, she thinks maybe she, she could be a nine, because this is resonating with her. But she’s tested several times, and she’s a two. But Blanca, here’s the thing. Jen Bryant is also a two, and she kind of experiences the same thing. So this isn’t always specific to nines. And Kim nowlin. Also, she’s a three and sometimes struggles with some of this. So I think there’s different motivations or different reasons for getting stuck in these places. That’s the beauty of the enneagram is it’s not based on behavior, it really is based on your motivation for why now you get stuck with it. So Blanca, you and I should definitely chat, I’m going to have you take the test again, and we’re going to do a typing session. Because I’m bossing you, and

Bethany Howard  31:17

that’s what how Jennifer posed that question, what’s at stake if I don’t do the thing?

Lori Young  31:24

Yes.

Bethany Howard  31:26

And that’s, that’s a really good, like, what if I don’t show up? Like what happens? Not just for me, but you know, my family? What happens with my community? What happens with the people who might read a post like you don’t? We actually, actually so many times, we don’t actually know, the impacts that we have. We may, we may never know. And, or we might find out three months down the road. Like, oh, that post that you made in February? Oh, my goodness. I’m like, you read that? Like, what? You don’t know sometimes.

Lori Young  32:03

That’s the super hard part about, like, this ministry that we’re in is that we don’t know what’s at stake. We don’t we don’t know what the cost could actually be. Mm hmm. We should like I’m sure there’s people out there. Who should so if you Yeah. Who? Wow, yeah, here’s the thing. That’s where I get fuzzy. That’s where my own I think ninus like comes in, like, well, if I’m not getting immediately validated, or if I’m not seeing immediate results, then there must be nothing at stake. And that’s a lie. That’s Hmm.

Bethany Howard  32:45

Yeah, no, that’s good. That’s good that because I’m all about instant gratification as well. Like, whether it comes whether it’s a craft, like, if it’s something that’s like, knitting, no, I’m out. Done. I’m not interested in trying knitting. But like, you know, if I want to decorate the mantel, I’m all about it. Because 20 minutes,

Lori Young  33:09

yeah, done. And it looks great cooking, and like having a healthy meal, because I feel better, then, you know, like if we related to exercise or working out, because I am in a terrible mindset about it right now. I have no idea what what’s at stake if I don’t do the thing, except that I just don’t do the thing. But over time, I could be like, the benefit could be so much greater. I could be getting stronger. I could be able to run farther. I could be able to climb higher mountains and be able to lift heavy things like I don’t know. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. You know, like my son, like, here, get up. I don’t know. Like,

Bethany Howard  33:51

I love it. I,

Lori Young  33:53

I could be doing that stuff. Yeah. So quickly. Here’s the solution. Okay. That they suggest us or like the idea, okay. Each day, it’s good, I promise. Okay. Okay. Each day, make a priority list of key items to accomplish and rank order each item. And the most important item first and the least important item last, begin your tasks in order of their priority. Keep this list in front of you and check it out hourly. If you check it out hourly. If you stray from this list or reorder the priorities, get yourself back on track.

Bethany Howard  34:37

I like that and do you know there’s something I’ve noticed his name is Michael Tatanety. I think I’m saying his last name correctly. And maybe he’s on Instagram. I follow him on Facebook, but he is an entrepreneur owns his own business and it’s been growing like gangbusters. And I’ve seen other people do this kind of thing too before. Oh, the Money Saving Mom was the other person I’ve seen. Do it. Okay. Um, both of them, like in their stories will put a list of the things they’re going to do that day that almost gives me hives. Because I’m like, What are you? Why are you telling people all these things that you’re gonna accomplish? What if you don’t do them? Like, what if you don’t get to it? What if you’d rather what if you decide to bake a cake instead? Like, what then? And that’s like, you know, I end up off course, because the priorities maybe are off or because I forget them or because I decide that my highest priority is chocolate cake. Um, so I love

Lori Young  35:37

that. So no way.

Bethany Howard  35:39

I mean, your priority is in cake to like, we can have both right? Yeah, we can have both. But I love that. And that idea of like, he has cute little graphics that he’s just started using. And he puts them up like, this is what I’m doing today. I had a great phone call. I’m going to have lunch with my girl, you know, like all of this. And it’s just like, okay, like, this is how this is how somebody who takes their work seriously, runs their day. And I’m like, Okay, I’m paying attention.

Lori Young  36:13

I mean, I know that we take our work seriously. It’s just that we have bad days. Right?

Bethany Howard  36:21

And I’m sure that he does, too. And but I’m sure, but he probably and I’m you know, I fight structure. I don’t love structure. I think that’s a nice thing to add. Why

Lori Young  36:32

don’t boss me?

Bethany Howard  36:35

Yes. I mean, for real. It’s a thing.

Lori Young  36:38

Yeah.

Bethany Howard  36:38

Don’t tell me that. I need to do that. Because I, I won’t probably want to. I don’t want to you can’t make me and you don’t boss me. Nobody’s the boss to me. Yeah, but he has. He has an I don’t know, maybe we’ve had this conversation. I don’t I can’t remember what his enneagram number is. But, um, he has strategies and tools in place, Lori. That helps him like, even if he’s having a bad day. Like, that’s the difference, right? Yep. For me, like he has a plan in place. Where No, this is, this is what I’m doing. Every day, I put out this list of things that are my priorities, this list of things is going to get done. So even if he’s struggling and having a bad day, even if it gets a three out of the four maybe, you know, like that would be a win for me. That was

Lori Young  37:29

the guy.

Bethany Howard  37:31

tat Nettie. I think. Let me look him up here.

Lori Young  37:35

Okay. Yeah, so we’re gonna drop that link in there. Yeah, cuz I feel like, I need more, a little bit more of that in my life. And I acknowledge, I need more discipline. And I acknowledge like, here’s the great thing, though, about the enneagram. Nine is that we are flanked on either side for wings as a type eight and a type one. And both of them are go getters. Like there are things that traits and qualities that that the not the eight and the one have that we can absolutely tap into. We don’t we don’t have to stay stuck. Yes. You know, which is kind of the beautiful thing about the enneagram is it is it’s a tool for growth. It’s not stagnant. We don’t have to make excuses. I’m a nine. So I’m just gonna lay around like, there are places that we can go there there are we have opportunity and ability and authority to grow Yes, get better, and heal some of that junk that like keeps us stuck in those places. like nobody wants to hear a message. Like there’s, there’s a reason we feel that way. So

Bethany Howard  38:48

and that’s another thing. That’s another tool that I just thought of as you were saying that that um, because we’ve talked about, like, Lori, think about where we were two years ago, you know what I mean? Like we’ve had those conversations. So I think sometimes one of the tools can be like looking back and saying no, I have actually made progress. I’m leaning into those wings. I’m not just staying in this stuck place. And quicksand, I’m actually making progress. I think that’s so important.

Lori Young  39:17

I completely agree. And actually, today, I pulled out my business plan from the beginning of the year, where I had written a history from two years ago. And it was super encouraging, like, I would encourage you, you know, to write like a business plan at the beginning of the year. And part of it is where have I been what’s the history of this ministry or this business or where was I two years ago and get very detailed about how far you’ve come and everything that you’ve accomplished. It’s really, it really is very encouraging. And I have one more tool, the full focus planner, now, I will acknowledge that it’s only as good is the amount of time that I put in it. But, hey, I can go back and look at the goals that I made from a year ago, two years ago. Oh, also, I can double check my mental health. This is Tuesday of this week. And as you can see, it’s completely empty. I didn’t even date in there. Okay, this is like, let me let me show you a good week. Like, this is a good day that’s happening in my life. Oh, wow. Yeah, there’s a lot happening there. All the tasks list everything nice. So when I don’t do this, then I will fall apart. And I have to, like make a habit of doing it at the beginning of the week. So whatever, you know, you whatever keeps you on track. Like, yes, every day do what what will work, but do it every day. Yeah, I know. Here’s the thing. If you don’t, we’re gonna be okay. I know we’re gonna be okay. Because I saw posts from Bethany Howard yesterday on Facebook. I didn’t get anything done. And everything’s gonna be okay.

Bethany Howard  41:15

It’s gonna be okay. Sometimes you just need those days where it’s just your best intentions. You have good plans, and it just doesn’t happen. And it’s, it’s okay. Like, at that point, I can decide, am I gonna beat myself up over this? Or am I gonna just say it is what it is. And the day is done? And the thing you have

Lori Young  41:37

to get up the next day? Yeah, and move on. And keep going.

Bethany Howard  41:42

Do you think that’s a nice thing because I I have to have like stuff written down. Like, I have to have a planner, a paper planner, where I’m writing what I have to do down it’s not a nine thing.

Lori Young  41:54

I think because we recognize I think it’s a healthy nine thing because recognize what a struggle It is sometimes to like, articulate what we want, what we need our goals, where we’re headed, what’s what’s going forward. And I think as you get healthier, and you kind of start to grow, you know, in your in your growth path to the type three and the type six, that we recognize the need to write stuff down. I love and it helps keep us on track. But it took us it takes you know, getting healthy to get there for sure. For sure. I am loving Jen. Brian is like tossing out some super encouragement bombs right now. When I’m fuzzy about my impact, I turned to y’all. I love y’all, friends who can validate my impact. We see each other’s strengths better than our own hearing things like people need this message. Jen, move me forward. Amen. Yeah, I agree. I absolutely agree. Having a community of people around you that like minded that are doing what you’re doing that are struggling around like you are. It is solid gold. So as you know, if you’re not a speaker or writer, but you are like starting out in a new business or new line of work. I I my favorite advice to give is go find someone who’s doing it, who’s been doing it for a while and ask if you can be their intern and ask if you can help ask how you can serve them. Yeah, you know, a lot of us intern for Kathy lip. We don’t get paid, but we get coaching and exchange from fantastic coaches. And that has that has grown my business so much. Not to mention the contacts that I’ve made huge people that I’ve met from from that experience. such an amazing people. Yeah. And Jen says one more thing. I think this is the most beautiful thing of all authority to grow. That’s what makes permission granted so powerful. Your poetry gives readers fuel to move forward bravely.

Bethany Howard  44:14

Oh, that’s so beautiful. Yeah, it Oh, Jen,

Lori Young  44:18

we love you so much, so much.

Bethany Howard  44:20

And Jen. I mean, Jen’s doing the hard work, too. You know, like she just released a book proposal. Yeah. And she just launched a new program. She is she’s a rock star and she is a generous rock star. Like she’s so so sweet. I just appreciate her so much.

Lori Young  44:42

All right. Well, I think we have thoroughly like hashed this out. This little piggy is going to go to market and get out.

Bethany Howard  44:54

I don’t know where that like. It’s the perfect picture for me this time, but it’s cool. It’s awesome. If I sent you like just an emoji of a piggy, like you’re gonna know, like my frame of mind, you’re like, you’re gonna know like, okay, she needs me to like reach a stick out so that she can climb out of this mess that she’s got herself in.

Lori Young  45:14

So, you know, I’m gonna get right on the Polo and like, yeah, chat about it. Okay, so if you would like to order Bethany’s book permission, granted, I am going to drop a link to it in the comments. If you would like a free download the permission granted by the numbers, which is a lovely collaborative effort between Bethany and I, how each enneagram number can embrace permission, granted, just drop a hashtag permission granted in the comments, and we’ll be sure and get you a free download. Um, Bethany I, I want to just thank you for, like being so real and vulnerable. And this is like pinchy it she, it’s like the dark side of a nine that it’s really hard for me to admit that I’m not all kinds of badass every, like, 100% of the time.

Bethany Howard  46:18

Nobody can be that great all of the time. Right?

Lori Young  46:21

Yeah.

Bethany Howard  46:22

But no, I mean, it is. It is a raw thing. But I think nines are also committed to showing up real like they want those safe places where they can just be themselves. Yeah. And so thanks for being that for me.

Lori Young  46:37

Well, thank you for being that for me. So until tomorrow morning, bright and early. Yes, we’re gonna work out our our other work to do which is such a gorgeous thing. Thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you, everyone for joining us live. If you’re watching on the replay, drop a comment. I want to know what is your enneagram type? Do you struggle with the when you can’t even do all the things? And we’ll we’ll be checking back on the comments. So thank you all so much. Have a blessed day.

Bethany Howard  47:11

Thanks. Sorry.

Published by: Lori Young

Lori Young’s passion for God and her love for speaking and coaching have combined forces in a powerful message for women who hide the most valuable parts of themselves for the approval of others. Lori comes by this truth honestly. For years, she kept her value hidden to avoid disapproval, rejection, criticism, and conflict. Through the difficult experience of divorce, heartbreak, and broken relationships, Lori has emerged with a passion to break down what she’s learned and provide tools to help other women re-emerge to live authentically and intentionally. She is a Certified Enneagram Coach and loves coaching one on one and in group settings. You can learn more about her speaking and coaching services at loriyoungcoaching.com

Categories authenticity over approval, EnneagramTags, Leave a comment

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